Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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