ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
