So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
