Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
