Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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