oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
