its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
