pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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