i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
