Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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