Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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