i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
