It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
