Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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