ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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