LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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