Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
