so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
