Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
