I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
