do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
