It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
