Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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