I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
