you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
