The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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