He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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