Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
