FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
