Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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