Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
