I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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