i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize