gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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