im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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