oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
