All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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