oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
