Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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