There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
