I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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