I think my fart just growled at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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