Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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