When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
they're like a gay fantastic four
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
