If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
