Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
