Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize