Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
