when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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