At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize