U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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