He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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