I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
