I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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