I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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