You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
