I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
