Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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