Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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