Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
