I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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