God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
