tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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