My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
