I faked an abortion last night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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