My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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