nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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