We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
