i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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