bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't deserve a penis
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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