I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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