apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
