my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
