She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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