i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
