she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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