I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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