I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
